I dont have what she has

I dont have what she has, this is a common thought that races through my head. I see someone that has a wonderful practice, business etc. She is successful, pretty, and kind. I think WOW I want to be that! I wish I was her, I wish I could do that, She is so pretty, and skinny, I want those legs, I wish I could paint like that, I wish I could dance like that, I wish, I wish, I wish.

I then find myself thinking how can I do that? What do I need to learn to be like that, to do this and to do that. This circle of thoughts is usually followed by lots of research, and then disappointment, as I find that there are many people that do this, or that and they do it really well. I feel like I am unoriginal. Not good enough, Not smart enough, Not pretty enough, This is usually followed by depression.

I understand my purpose, I know why I am here, I know what I am supposed to be doing. I look around and see so many wonderful people serving their community, healing clients, selling quality products. I sit back and think where is my place? How can I make an impact. I face rejection, after rejection, but then something curious happened.........

2013 rolled around, I for the first time didn't make any New Years resolutions. (Well I made one silly small one, not to buy books. Well I can tell you, I have already broken it.) I didn't promise myself I would loose weight, I didn't say I wouldn't do this, or that. What I did do was take a good hard look at my life. There was so much filling it. Most would think that I lead a charmed life. Well maybe I do. The charmed face reality as well. I've felt cluttered. I felt weighed down. If you have followed my blogs you have read the blog on Courage. You know that I have been facing my fears, and having the courage to do what I never thought I would do. To become the "Fool" and walk the path by myself. With strength, knowledge, and happiness.

So what is this curious thing that happened? Well unlike most years my personal growth seams to have been let out of the cage. It was like 2013 said "Annwyn go forth and grow". It wasn't until this weekend that I really felt the full impact. Saturday was a completely mundane day. I absolutely loved it. It was full of soccer games, baseball practice etc. Sunday I went to the local Pagan shop "Northern Winds" run by a wonderful group of Norse (Asatru) Men and Metaphysical women. I have been reading Tarot and Bones here on and off when ever they have a fundraiser for PPD. I was thrilled to be asked back. Its as if I am finally catching my stride here in the community. It takes me a while, I am very shy until I feel (and yes I mean feel) the area, feel the people, and feel comfortable. I believe that it is the same for them. I have been here a year and a half now. Unlike my friend Idalia that can walk into a brand new place, make a dozen friends, tell them exactly who she is and what she does, I stay in the corner like a mouse. Well there I go again, I don't have what she has. No, No I don't, and for the first time in my life I am ok with that! Despite the fact that I don't have what she does, there are things about me that others don't have.

Ok, So I got sidetrack there. Back to 2013. So there I was at Northern Winds reading, when I am in spirit I am different. There are no inhibitions, there are no fears, there are no worries. Just complete and utter trust. So when I am half in this world and half in the other my fears drop away. Interesting I thought, so maybe I should be in spirit all the time? Well this is not really a good idea, but it got me thinking. My work is spiritual, so I need to think more from a spiritual perspective than mundane when it comes to my work (Art, Dance, Writing, Teaching etc) So these thoughts came at the perfect time.

They came when I was ready to go back to dance, I don't have to think mundane, I don't have to think I'm better, or need to be better. I don't have to have lofty goals of grandeur, win competitions, and awards. I don't have to be the best artist, dancer, etc. I just have to be me. Then Monday rolls around. I wake up to find that my Avalon article, twice rejected already had been published by a Magazine in the UK. Only to receive a rejection letter from Llewellyn on two other articles moments later. This could have been a big hit to my ego, to my soft nature. A strange thing happened. I laughed, shrugged, and said oh well. Ill try again later. I didn't once think I am not good enough, what do the other writers have that I don't? Nope, I thought well it is not the right.time. I love this new way of thinking. Yes I don't have what she has, but I don't need to. I just need to be me, and if that is good enough for others to notice, then that is the direction spirit is leading me...,....